A coworker tipped me off to a way to change the Eclipse UI from this mess:
The magic is done through the Github project known as the MoonRise UI Theme. Installation is as simple as adding the update site into Eclipse and updating a UI preference. Make sure to add the “optional” RainbowDrops syntax highlighting scheme as the dark UI seems pretty useless without it. I found that even with the optional syntax highlighting I still needed to modify comment brightness and Java string text color. For fine tuning of colors and text-brightness, simply right-click any text you’d like to tweak > Preferences > Java > Editor > Syntax Coloring, then find and change the Java, Javadoc, or Comment section you want to modify.